Well if you landed here wondering about the movie then you’ll be pleasantly surprised to know that it’s got nothing to do with it.

The problem with the world today is that it is run and dominated by ‘old men’. This is something which is ridiculously against the very nature of existence on this planet. If you consider that the majority of the world population is below the age of 45-50 at any given point of time; its surprising that the ‘majority’ is ruled by the ‘minority’. ‘Old men’ are the prime decision makers in all realms of ‘being’.

An analogy would make this obscenity more clear. Imagine if in the world of computers we were still using floppy disks to store critical things like backed up data, operating systems etc and using high end storage arrays and USB semiconductor memory devices for trivialities like drivers and black and white images. Imagine if we were storing HD quality media content on floppy disks and and pacman was running out of blue-ray disks and cutting edge storage devices. Imagine if the king of the jungle was a shaggy toothless lion while the other predators just stood on standby to take orders and carry out commands. Imagine if a 60 year old athlete holds the current world record for 100meters and other prime athletic events. Sounds ridiculously wrong right? Well, that’s how our world is working right now.

Its time the world started ‘getting young’ and near-defunct people stopped making decisions based on outdated outlooks to address the most critical problems faced by mankind today. This has to pervade from a global level to a very microscopic level. The issue is that many a times ignorance is being confused with experience. Lets start having presidents and prime ministers in their 30′s. Let start voting for MP’s who are youngsters. Lets have legislation stating that the retirement age for politics is 40. Lets give the respect that is due to our old folks and ask them to remain at home where they’ll be looked after and ensure that they spend the sunset of their lives in peace. Then maybe just….maybe India and the world at large will have lesser corruption, lesser perversion, faster growth.

If you’re an ‘old man’ reading this post…. please…. you’ve screwed around with the world long enough, made it difficult and miserable for people long enough, please go home now. No one wants to condemn you the society still wants to care for you but pleeaasee…. JUST GO HOME.

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Recent times I’ve noticed the emergence of the term”India,Inc” especially during interviews with businessmen and what follows the term is always a satisfactorily pretty picture. The term is however seldom referred to in the context of India as a welfare state and no questions are asked or print space devoted to what India, Inc is doing in the state welfare space. I think this is so because that is where the stories of the teeming millions who make India,Inc work would have to be told and their stories may not be satisfactory. A story of the agrarian rural class is still struggling for fair prices for produce, more farmer suicides are swept under the carpet that dealt with. A story of the urban middle class who spent a lifetime chasing a shelter against the ever ballooning real estate prices, the tax payers of India who silently watch their money being put to every imaginable abuse on the tube; the migrant middle class story who finds it difficult to re-establish their identities in an alien state in terms of electoral rights, ration cards and gas connections. The PAN card being the only exception to the earlier category.

The BJP wrote the prologue to the “India shining” story and the myth is being propagated by congress now. The truth being that I as a tax paying adult citizen find it as difficult to ‘deal’ with my country’s govt as my father found it30 years back. A generation has changed but the citizens “customer experience” remains the same. So yes India is in effect a rich country where a lot of poor people live. Where people still grapple with the horns of the ‘welfare mechanisms’ of the state.  Every working day of my adult life I spent 3 hours toiling so that the scamsters/ fraudsters can fill their pockets,  so that justice can get perverted in a court of law. I firmly believe that my entire ‘tax paying’ adult life will pass me by but I won’t see a single national level political scamster ever  behind bars for misappropriation of public funds. This my dear actors in the “other side of India,inc” is our reality check.

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Well im one of the countless techies working in the city of Bangalore hailing from Kerala. I recently went to get my marriage registered in Bangalore having got married in my hometown in kerala. So I did a quick check on google and talked to colleagues who’d registered their marriages here and got my list of documents required. Spend a week collecting all the documents required. Went to the koramangala registrar office in BDA complex. The officer was characteristically late coming in at 11:00 am. I went belligerently to his desk with my stack of documents. This is when i was in shock when he tells me i need to provide a driving license, voters id or ration card for BOTH my wife and myself which shows the same address !!! I was dumb-founded since other people had got it done by showing their rental agreements in addition to bank statements which showed a common address.

Being a ‘migrant laborer’ i don’t have my own house nor a ration card or voters id in this state. Well he promptly told me it wasn’t going to happen. So now i have very few options left like,

1. Getting a duplicate drivers license in karnataka just to show my new address (that i believe would not be strictly legal) so no hope on that front.
2. I need to get myself a voters id but they are not issuing it anytime till next year.
3. I could go and get myself a ration card but i don’t know where they issue it. Plus i have to take a crash course in kannada to fill up the form or get some touts to do it for me and I don’t think my boss would be too happy if i burdened him with another leave request period for about 5 days just to get this done.

As a citizen the most easiest document that i ever got from India,inc was my PAN card and i guess you know why. To issue that no one give a F*** where you live, whether you are employed what age you are as long as you are above 16 or something no address proof, no id proof …… nothing……

What is it to do with the govt as to where me and my wife actually ‘live’ when it comes to issuing a marriage certificate? For all sensible logic I could get a marriage certificate showing i live in Bangalore and the next day migrate to Mumbai or Cochin…. !!!! I mean would that invalidate the marriage certificate they issues ?????

What would be so wrong if they just required and Id proof to show you are you AND you are of eligible age and the blooty get the deal over with and issue a certificate on basis of other allied docs like your marriage photograph, invitation letters, the letter from the church/ temple/ samaj stating you got married as per religious rites. period.

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The Karnataka state legislature recently passed the cow slaughter bill some sections of the society condemn it while others approve. The emotional sensationalism apart when I get down to thinking about it, there are some practical questions that I hope readers who support the bill could answer.

Is it socially acceptable in a democracy for the government to decide what citizens can and cannot eat? There are other practical factors too to consider…. In case our legislators didn’t know, cows don’t give milk perennially all their life, it involves a reproduction cycle for farm cows. When a cow reproduces there are chances that the calf can be bull or cow. So now what happens if the calf is a bull? A farmer today normally sells it to either the leather or meat industry. Once the law is in effect, these industries will cease to exist in Karnataka. So, is the farmer supposed to feed and maintain this bull too for no apparent reason? I am pretty sure that people who hail this as a very progressive bill have not been exposed to dynamics of raising cows on farms. Its not an easy and cheap affair. Raising cows require constant work gathering food for them, caring for their health and hygiene. These are tasks which take up a significant quantity of a farmers time.  So by passing the bill you will be putting unbearable burden on a farmer who ends up having to provide for these bulls too now that he has no place to sell them. I believe the follow through of this would be that farmers (poor as they are) will chose to let loose these bull calves and these are going to dot our streets (like stray dogs today) and cattle which feeds on human household wastes are prone to many diseases which could be passed on to healthy cattle and even humans. So, will the govt and legislators accept ownership for these cattle and take care of them? Will the groups which hail this move take bulls into their urban houses and protect them since this ‘Act’ is an ‘Act of undying love’ for them

Why not goats?? Goats give us milk too and in this case as any true farmer would tell you, goats milk is more nutritious than cows milk. So poor me; I’m wondering why there was no ban on Goat slaughter for meat purposes. I think our poor goats also need somebody to love them.

On similar lines though i wonder why poultry hens didn’t get their fare share of love. Are they children of a lesser God? They give us eggs too so why not pass and Act banning hen/cock slaughter too?

Another practical question raised in a newspaper was, what happens to animals in our zoos? I don’t know how ready the leopards, lions and tigers are willing to go on a rice-dal diet. I firmly hope though that the common man is truly impressed by this and ensures a second term for the ruling govt since it would be shame if the only purpose behind the legislation would not be fulfilled.

All said and done at this point my heart goes out for Hon’ble ‘ex’ minister Shashi Tharoor. The poor man had to endure so much censure from the opposition over his ‘cattle class’ remark when actually being ‘cattle class’ in India (in Karnataka atleast) is one honorable designation since we are really close to the heart of the government.

Well please feel free to ‘enlighten’ me if you have answers to any of my questions.

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The traffic situation in Bangalore city got me thinking whether high traffic  volumes on the roads during peak office hours are genuine or ‘man-made’. I kept observing the cars i passed during a time period a found that most cars have 1 occupant mostly and in good cases 2. So that meant 2 people were using road space that could accommodate 4 bikes or 8 commuters. I’d heard of cycling to work campaigns to go ‘green’ but for people who live in residential suburbs this commute can be very long and not highly recommended if you need to reach office in a presentable condition.

This got me thinking, if citizens in Bangalore and other tier 1,2 cities shed the archaic mindset that commuting by car is a necessity for a particular stage of your life and started using bikes we would all be greatly benefited. Read more »

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No foreplay or intro here this time…  Read on if you are aspiring drinker,teetotaler or existing player. The marathon guide to drinking 101 “for those who are in it for da long haul”.

1. If you think you can stand your ground after 6 drinks always plan to have 3 (the other 3 is your ‘balls’ playing mind games with your brain). This way you end up having 4 drinks an’ goin home a lil happy a lil tipsy.
2. Its normal for males to shy away from Vodka,Gin & towards whiskey after your 24-25 yrs. Its called ‘alcoholic menopause’
3. If the bar/pub doesn’t belong to your dad at the beginning of the evening is still doesn’t when you’re at the bottom of da 6th peg. (Tips to keep your arse from gettin a whopping).
4. Ballmers peak is a myth invented by them FSF buggers. Zilch… non existant. Read more »

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On the day when the Indian democracy turns 60 I feel compelled to write about what my perspective as a vulnerable common citizen makes this democracy tick at 60. I feel that 90% of world democracy as we know them would cease to exist if we succeeded in locking down the system to prevent “profit motive” from being rampantly present in it. What if it became increasingly difficult or even nearly impossible to siphon off funds from our revenue to welfare channels. What is the possibility of taking “down payments” was removed from the system for the political class and the babus? Read more »

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Had the chance to go to 2 governmental establishments in the past week. They customer experience differed astronomically.

My first trip was to the State bank of Mysore to get a stamp paper to prepare an affidavit. My first stop was the state bank of travancore not knowing that SBT was not authorized to sell stamp papers in karnataka. The lady at the multi purpose counter politely informed me of the same. Time take 30 seconds. My second stop was the State bank of Mysore in koramangala. I enter the bank at 1:00 pm approximately. Stood not knowing where to enquire, finally i approached an employee and presented the matter. The response was a pointed finger in the vague direction where about 4 other people were seated. I look at their desks and after some investigative procedures find some one holding a blank stamp paper and sitting in front of a ‘babu’. So I ‘inferred’ that he must be my man. So i walk up to his desk and wait in front of his desk for about 10 minutes. Not even a glance at me…. He is happy chatting away with 2 lady employees and scolding a ‘poor’ customer who happened to need the stamp paper. Finally im reaching the end of my divine patience by 15 minutes. Just when im about to give him a piece of my mind a lady approaches me from another counter and asks me what i wanted. I told her my need and she said they sell stamp papers only till 12:00 pm !!!!! I politely tell her that i would be back the next day.

———— Day 2 ————————-

Im in the bank at 9:30 am sharp back in front of the same man in the same counter. Again 10 minutes go by and i finally ask him about the stamp paper. The reply came “we do no sell papers with value more that 20 rupees”. I ask..”where can i get one for 50″…. The reply “I don’t know go.” comes the answer. (At this point i presume that he hasn’t been getting much of a sex life cos he’s seems too uptight). Walk out of there; go to a private guy who “does these things”; 30 minutes and 50 rupees down the line – affidavit prepared, signed by a notary and delivered to me.

The second experience was at the Oriental Insurance company, yet another govt of India undertaking. Where i went to get my vehicle insurance transferred, ownership changed, and renewed. Walk in at 10:00 am cos thats when ‘sarkari’ offices start. Walk in and i was curtly called by a an officer made to sit down even though i refused the first time. I explain my need to him, the form materialize, the necessary details are filled in by him. Im given precise info on what i need to fill in. He tells me which all pages of my RC book needs to be xeroxed and submitted. I do the necessary give it to him. He quickly send for my vehicle inspection and clears all the paperwork and in at the cash counter to renew my insurance in the time it takes to say “wham bam thank you ma’am”.

Maybe the govt can have a uniform code for “civil conduct” at their offices. Cos obviously the “bankers to the Maharajas” have no idea that a customer deserves to be offered atleast a seat at the opposite end of their table when they come to meet them

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Just the header of this post could make you wonder, how can I say this when the retail sector is something that is still catching up in kerala and the product penetration is so low across the geography. Well this post is to do with another dimension of the malayalee psyche.

The average malayalee is born by default into a society which follows the ‘herd mentality’. The ultimate ‘right’ thing to do here is what everybody else is doing. To quote a few examples, there was this time when certain border 2 start hotels started mushrooming on the sides of some of our major highways. The characteristic of these ‘star’ hotels where that they all were geographically just too wrong, no one would ever need to stay the night at ‘that’ place for any reason. All these hotels were garishly painted on the outside. They had to have green, lime yellow and orange on the facade and 5 cheap satin flags fluttering in front of them. There had to be a ‘coffee shop’ on the ground floor which on the inside was just another average ‘bakery’. Now when 2 of them came up, within the next 6 months this sight was soon dotting the entire stretch of highways as common as the ‘tea shops’. Apart from this niche example if we look at everyday things like the scooters, the way brides have to be dressed, the toothpaste we use, the style of architecture of every new house, the cars that sell in kerala, the brand of washing soap used….. it all points out to one obvious fact.

If you have a product that needs a ‘market test’, dump it into kerala. Grab some primetime TV ad space between those serials OR reality shows. Get a dozen ‘aunties’ and ‘uncles’ to start using it (attaching some medical benefit to the product is a sure shot at achieving this) and by the time 4 marriages are over in that area, you will have 100% market cap in all households. The younger generation might object but then in kerala the products we use become part of our moral fabric. So all good respectable households have to brush their teeth with ‘colgate’. If you use ’501 bar soap’ openly to do laundry then you are a ‘low class’ family (its okay to make the maid use it though) If you use fabric softeners then you are a wasteful and extravagant family (its okay to use ‘Mr. Wash’ or the other local brands). Once you have captured this segment of the market in kerala. You would have achieved market cap since markets trends are viral in kerala.

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Weekends spend with people glued to the news channels after swine flu started claiming it first victims in India. Panic of the ‘aam admi’ who was denied adequate early testing facilities by the government designated hospitals and clinics. Frustration, chaos and fear for the little ones being adeptly captured and played on primetime news (only to be followed by the latest updates of ‘Rakhi ki Swayamvar’). Political statements leaving the entire govt red faced (atleast this time the BJP did not come out with statements like it was the Congress party which brought swine flu to India and the Commies of Kerala and West Bengal didn’t attribute it to a grand conspiracy theory by the American CIA. Oooo I miss those statements).

All in all yet again India’s reaction to a calamity is still…. predictable. Yet again we were -

1. Unprepared to handle the situation.
2. The reactionary steps taken to ‘control’ the situation are in the wrong direction.
3. Rest assured like the terrorist attacks in India, if swine flu were to resurface 5 yrs later, India would be found in the same situation.
4. Toilet journalism thriving on heart rending footage played in loop.

What if the hotspots of swine flu, in other words the source of this flu was India…. How would countries like the US, UK and Malaysia have dealt with the same situation… That I leave my readers to comment on…..

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